A Wandering

Today, I wandered. A few months ago, I set a goal of wandering and writing as part of AFATAC and Youth Worker: Collective's Day of Rejuvenation and Self-Care (curriculum here and paper here). The end of the session culminated in participants taking out their calendars and scheduling when they were going to set aside time for their own mental health. Over the last few months, I have been equally accountable and unaccountable to that goal. I am still finding how to take care of self.

I set the goal of wandering because I know movement makes me write. As of right this moment, I am sitting on the 33 taking in some of my favorite parts of San Francisco. The ground beneath my feet connects directly to my voice. I know this, and yet I don't always do this.

Earlier today, I had coffee with Margaret, and we discussed this very thing. For me, I need to have space around me so I can tune everything else out. In my profession and writing, I listen and connect, but they manifest very differently depending on which one I focus. Professionally, I am better around people with deadlines and accountabilities. For writing, I need to be alone with possibility and limitlessness. And these two forces battle as I try to make writing more of my profession.

I find it difficult to schedule self care. It is something nebulous and evolving; it changes given context and time. There are moments when pouring my self into work is self care; it gives me a sense of purpose and responsibility. Then, there are moments when I need a complete break from everything and everyone; a day spent wrapped in fog. Both are self care, and I have hard time predicting when which one will be needed.

I had no goal or purpose today other than hopping on the bus and getting off somewhere. I brought coffee, a granola bar, a pluot, writing materials, some books, my phone, my iPod, and two video games I'm returning on my adventure. The combination was bound to produce something. Indeed it did. I had two lovely spontaneous conversations with dear friends. I enjoyed a baked BBQ pork bun - a treat I haven't had for too long. I perused a book store - a favorite past time that always inspires. I read and read. I pulled together a playlist of cheesy 80s rock. And I wrote. Goal achieved.

Now, I have arrived home, and I am struggling to find the movement and voice of only moments ago. I can't feel the gentle rocking of the floor below me that calls to me and brings a uniqueness and perspective that isn't matched sitting here on my couch. I am haphazardly typing words hoping to find connections that were once there. I'm still rocking the 80s beats on my iPod, but they don't beckon in the same way. Instead, other clatter beckons. Make dinner. Pet the cat. Clean up her shit from the bathroom floor. Open the windows. Tidy up before the husband gets home. I hear all the other things calling to me. And their voices get louder until I can't hear this one any more. And I know.

More will come when inspiration hits.

A Day of Rejuvenation and Self Care: Questions from Victoria

Youth Worker: Collective (then the YDPN) worked with Sangita Kumar, Margaret Schulze, and Victoria Welle to create a workshop called A Day of Rejuvenation and Self-Care for the Afterschool for All Technical Assistance Collaborative on April 2, 2009. In the planning process, we brought together these three fabulous people because they come from a diverse faith perspective and embrace pluralism in all of its forms. What resulted was a curriculum and workshop that used arts education and pluralism practices to empower participants to explore how they take care of themselves. To view the curriculum, click here.
Victoria Welle is currently studying issues of health, healing, and justice as a student at the Graduate Theologica Union's Jesuit School of Theology at Berkeley. She wrote a paper about her experiences with the workshop. She asked facilitators to answer a couple of basic questions about their experiences with faith to inform the paper. (Link to come soon, hopefully!)

Below are my responses to her questions. They didn't make it in to the paper because I was tardy in getting her my answers. I am sharing them here because I believe they shed light into how I show up in this world and the reason faith, regardless of format or formalization, is important to me.
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Questions from Victoria (since this is for a theology class!):

• What is the religion of your family of origin/did you grow up practicing a particular faith?
• What, if any, faith or faiths do you practice now?
• If asked the question "what religion are you?" what would you say?
• (optional: how much did your current faith practices play a role in helping design the workshop)

My Responses:

I was raised Catholic and practiced Catholicism religiously until seminary. I was in seminary for one semester at which I came out as gay. After coming out and due to much harassment by seminarians and priests (including the church I grew up in), I decided I could no longer remain Catholic or support the church.

I currently describe myself as someone who believes in wonder, imagination, dreams, and creativity. I believe in living a values-grounded life. I am not an atheist because I still believe there is something cosmic. I don't perscribe to any one way of thinking.

The Tao Te Ching guides my way of being in the world. When in times of stress or feeling lost or overwhelmed, I read its passages and find hope and comfort. I read science and math books to keep me thinking larger and beyond the obviously observable. I create and view art of all kinds as a means to hear, perceive, and experience voice, passion, history, and possibilities. I go into churches and places of worship to physically be transported to another place and time - an experience that helps me become in awe of the artistry of faith and devotion.

My current value base, the ones that guide my life and keep me focused and connected, are deeply rooted in my catholic (notice small c) upbringing. I know I have a social justice view of the world as a direct result of all of the volunteering I did because of my church. I remember working with the homeless, the destitute, the ill, those rejected by society. And in those experiences I saw compassion, composure, and grace. Those formative experiences are an anchor that firmly plants me in creating a more just and compassionate world.

While I am no longer Catholic, I am catholic. I believe in the universality in all of us. I see the connections, hear the stories, and continually discover that there is more in common than not. I weave these beliefs and values and philosophies into all of my practices and actions. I do my best to live a values-grounded life. And I hope that that shows up in everything I do.