Pace and Transitions

The fall brings with it yearly transitions. These are more than the annual changes in season or the natural ebb and flow of the American educational system. It is a time of hope and renewal, a time of looking inward and pruning. It is a moment of deepening that bares fruit in the spring.

I, too, find myself in this space and place taking the moments of solitude, contemplation, quiet and transition as they come, and hoping, no trusting, that they will bring with them new revelations, insights and innovations, For me, this is the time to reconnect and listen. It is a moment of slowing down. And this moment was forced upon me by outside forces.

The organization for which I work - Youth Worker: Collective (formerly YDPN) - had a delay in one of our contracts. This meant, like many in this economy, temporary unemployment. And, for me, it has become a time to reassess, reevaluate, and relearn things I already know and believe. I am reconnecting to my core values. I am trying new things (mmm...baking). I am redefining my pace.

My ADHD is my greatest strength. It allows me to pick things up quickly, do many things at once, see connections between ideas and things that others don't or can't perceive, and jump in to situations others avoid. It is sometimes like the edit button is turned off, the volume turned way up, and the speed ratcheted up to that of lightning. I zip here and there accomplishing feats at which others marvel.

It is also the thing I must actively work against if I am to redefine my pace. I must find a way to balance my biological need for speed with my spiritual need to slow down. I must find ways to keep this rhythm when others around me are still quick and deadlines still approach. I have to create an external structure and system that is malleable, flexible, and yet still unwavering that empowers and enables my need to slow down. This system has to be easy to use and be integrated into all aspects of who I am. It must become a part of my identity.

Here is where the transitions of the Fall can help. It is a season of preparation for what is yet to come. We get ready for the shortening of days and cooler weather (well cooler for most places). We transition back to school or hunker down at work with the memory of summer and its joy fading to nostalgia. We harvest what is left of the crops and prepare for the planting and growing in the Spring. We naturally start looking inwards and slowing down. We resist, momentarily, the quickness of pace that we know is coming. We hold on to the memory of the "lazy days of summer".

Similarly, the seasons always come and go. They don't care about man's time or its passage. They just keep their own time. They force us into their pattern. And, as much as we like to claim our victory over nature, it controls our lives more than we control it. We can learn an art here: the art of release.
It is in this transition that hope for staying slow resides. I find myself in contemplation and reflection trying to plot and plan my next move. I am careful of where my steps will lead and open to diversions on my path. I am stepping back and removing my self from old patterns of behavior that are not useful or helpful or supportive. I am doing all of this because I was forced to. Now, I must continue it because I want to.

As I move in to this new season, I make a commitment to remembering and reflecting. I believe that these tools will force me to slow down, and the system that will enable these tools are the simple cues I can take from nature. I can pay attention to the shortening of days and the cooling of air and use this as a reminder that time always passes, and I am but one tiny cog in its passage. I can listen to friends and colleagues share their stories, find reminders of quickness and slowness in them and use their lessons to guide and modify my pace. I can cook and create from scratch sauces and concoctions that take hours to prepare using the time as my metronome for the rest of the day, week, month, year. I can relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of quiety and solitude being alone with my thoughts so I can hear my self whisper its reflective lessons.

As I enter this Fall, I hope that I do continue this down slow and winding path. I hope that my actions ripple outward and create in its wake a place of respite from the ever quickening world. And I hope that I find myself forced into another transition. For in this space, I have found a my self.

Things that Fascinate Me (at least for today)

So, I am typing this blog post via my Blackberry and uploading it via email while sitting on the 33 heading home from a training the YW:C did in collaboration with the Richmond District After School Collaborative and Richmond Village Beacon Center, and pontificating on the things that fascinate me (at least for today).

Here they are in no particular order:

* This technology is crazy. I remember, not so long ago (read about 3 to 4 years), I was contemplating getting a cell phone. I didn't want one because I had no desire to be reached at all times. Now, I have a Blackberry, and I would most likely only ever buy a smartphone.
Why? Because I like being connected. I don't have any sense of obligation to my phone (at least not any more), and I view it as a tool I can, do, and don't have to use. It has really made something simpler in my life. I don't need my computer or a scheduled time to respond to emails, inquiries, or event invitations.

Instead, I can take response at my own leisure. This is amazing, liberating, and confounding. How did we end up in this space and time? (More of a rhetorical question than anything else.) And now that we are here what is next? How do we synthesize all of the information that is now available to us?
I believe the next great breakthrough will come from merging reality and online life in an effort to distribute resources. My worry/concern is that as this develops it happens in a way that monetizes these exchanges in a manner that supports disparity because as we become more connected the ones with the most connections have the biggest influence in distribution. And the more connected grow more connected exponentially. How do we ensure that this doesn't lead to more power and control being in the hands of less and less people?

Additionally, as we become more and more connected the distance of time distorts and quickens. What once took weeks now takes seconds. This quickening pace also grows exponentially. And with that growth comes an expectation that others conform or be swallowed by it. How do we intentionally slow its pace in an effort to create a counterculture balance to mainstream speed? (I am reading In Praise of Slowness right now, and it is hitting me pretty hard. I am trying to slow my pace. And that is not easy to do with my ADHD.)

* Another pontification. On the bus ride over to Presidio Middle School (where we had our training today), I saw a woman who I had 'tattled' on at my local cafe. It was an awkward moment.
Now let me give you a little background to the story. A couple of months ago, I was working at the coffee shop in my neighborhood. I frequent the place and all of the staff know me. I like the place and have a lot of respect for the owner and his staff. They are warm and welcoming. When I've been short on cash they still give me my coffee, no questions asked.

Well, one morning I was sitting at a table near the windows lost in my work. Outside, there was a woman in her 40s and her friend enjoying their coffee and having an animated conversation. Then, she pulled out a big permanent black marker. I was hoping what I thought would come next wouldn't come next, but it did: she started tagging the outside of the cafe. And as she was tagging she looked up at me and smiled.

I got up, walked to the counter, and 'tattled' on her. The guy behind the counter was mortified because she was a friend of his. He went outside with a bottle of cleaner and asked her to clean it up. He went back inside, and she flipped me the bird, lipped 'fuck you' and left having not even sprayed any of the cleaner on her wonderful alien-shaped tag.

The barista started up a conversation with me and told me how she was an artist and muralist that helped run youth programming for a local arts organization. What? I could barely contain myself. So not only was she tagging, she worked with youth in an arts organization. I wondered what kind of a role model she could be.

Seeing her on the bus today made me ask the question 'what kind of a role model am I?' I am not really sure. I hope I am a good one, but I know I have my shortcomings. I know that my ego and pride can sometimes best me, and that I can come across as arrogant and a know-it-all (shocking I know). I wonder what other actions I have taken that might be similarly viewed as I viewed her tagging.

Is tagging acceptable? I know I've seen lots of it on the bus and not intervened. Did I intervene in this situation because of a sense of connection the the cafe and its staff? And if so, why don't I have that same connection to the transportation I take daily? In fact, I am on MUNI or BART more than I am in cafes. Why haven't I 'tattled' on that? What stops me?

I don't have the answers to these questions (at least not yet). But they need to be posited if only to better understand myself and how I move in this world. As I have learned from Shinnyo-en Foundation (thanks Liane) everything is connected and our ripples can become waves. What waves have I made by simple action and/or inaction?

One thing I know, I am eternally connected to this artist. And when I see her on MUNI or in the community there will always be awkwardness.

* Last, a totally random thought and connection - Obamawear. While waiting for the 38 at Fillmore and Geary, a woman was also waiting wearing a black synthetic jacket with 'Obama 08' embroidered in hot pink on it. I am amazed at how much entrepreneurship has sprung up simply because of his campaign.

Here was something that was definitely not 'campaign approved'. But it still got out his message. What does this mean for the future of campaigns? What does this mean about letting go of preconceived notions of message and copyright? What does this mean for how we as queers come together as a community, let go of past beefs, and find a commonality of message in an effort to move our social justice agenda forward (it definitely is about more than just marriage) through marketing materials?

These are just a few of the things that fascinate me. At least for today.